Letting go of the perfect man wasn’t easy…it wasn’t easy at all. Looking back over the end of 2018, I have to wonder if it was all a dream. You see, I recently fell head over heels in love with a man, a wonderful man that I will nickname Mr. Holy Grail…keep reading, and the nickname will hopefully make more sense. We met the old-fashioned way, in person as opposed to an online dating site, in an unassuming shopping center a mere 5 minutes from my old home. The details as to where and how we met will have to remain a mystery for the sake of his privacy. He’s one of the last remaining humans who doesn’t have Facebook or Instagram, and he cherishes his privacy almost as much as I cherish sleeping in on a rainy Saturday morning! However, I can say that in our random meet cute, I knew in an instant that I was destined to fall and fall hard for this man. The first time we touched, I felt a sort of electric shock transfer from his hand to mine, and it was this jolt of electricity that opened my eyes to the possibilities that awaited me, if only our destinies were aligned with one another. Over a period of several months, we continued running into each other in that same shopping center on a bi-monthly basis, and each time we did, I gleaned a few more tidbits of information about him that had me intrigued. And he seemed to like me too! I told one of my girlfriends I was planning on asking him out, but around the same time I had started studying the law of attraction. So I decided to wait and put my LOA skills to the test to see if I could work my magic and get him to ask me out. And guess what… it worked! About a month later, he gave me his phone number, and I texted that same friend right away to tell her that he had finally made the first move. I was so giddy! We texted for a month before finally going on our first date together, after which point I was a smitten kitten!
He had an incredible energy that drew me in like a moth to a flame, but unfortunately, ours was a whirlwind romance that was over before it really began.
He was the perfect man in so many ways but will forever be my unattainable Mr. Holy Grail, the man I had been searching for but will never be able to call my own. He was handsome and had kind eyes, the type that smiled with a happy secret every time he looked at me. He was passionate about what he did for a living and cared deeply about being kind to others. He was a vegetarian and woke up early every morning to do yoga and be still before his day began. He was tall and strong and had the kind of beard that let you know you were with a man (hubba hubba)! He read my blog, several times over in a fact, and asked me thoughtful questions that showed he really cared about what I had to say. When we spent time together, he had a gift for making me feel like I was the only person in the world that mattered to him at that moment. And when he looked at me and smiled, I couldn’t help but smile back.
In those moments, it seemed like our souls were talking to each other and saying something from a long time past that my brain just wasn’t yet comprehending.
Needless to say, we had a very unique connection! He spoke multiple languages and geeked out on all things history related. We had a lot of similar life experiences, but our world views weren’t so alike that we wouldn’t challenge each other to grow. In the beginning, we felt like teenagers falling in love…he would even pick me up and twirl me around, which made my heart go pitter patter! Our romance was so care-free and easy, until it wasn’t…it had a beginning, and it had an end, but there was really no middle because it ended just like that in the blink of an eye.
So why did things not work out with this amazing man?? Well, in the short time that we spent together, we soon realized that our long-term life goals didn’t match up. You see, I just turned 36, and as a single woman in her mid-thirties, I still hold onto the hope that I will get married and start a family before my biological clock stops ticking. However, it wasn’t until I met this marvelous man that I was even sure I wanted to have kids. I always assumed I would have a family some day, but when I picture my future family, I envision my children grown with families of their own, all of us taking vacations together or sitting around the fireplace at Christmastime. Babies that keep you up all night and small children that always speak five decibels too loudly with dried snot on their upper lip are not my cup of earl grey tea. But, if I want my own biological family, that’s a necessary first step I guess…now, back to letting go of the perfect man.
When we stopped speaking in generalizations and hypotheticals and started discussing our life goals in concrete terms, I learned that when he said, “The thought of children is super scary to me,” that didn’t mean the thought is scary now but might be a possibility later on. Nope. He meant that he doesn’t want to have any more kids. Shortly after we started dating, it came up in conversation that he has kids, but I didn’t pursue the topic any more, as it seemed to be a painful part of his life to talk about. It wasn’t until after we decided to stop seeing each other that he shared the whole truth with me, and the truth is, he has a bunch of kids and spent his 20’s and 30’s raising them, and as a man in his mid 40’s, he has no desire to start that process all over again! Armed with this new knowledge, the thought of possibly being a stepmom some day to a handful of children didn’t scare me, but when I thought about not having my own children with someone I loved, it made me sad.
So, I had to ask myself the difficult question, “Do I really want to have my own children some day?”
And that’s when I came to terms with the realization that yes, I do want to have my own children some day, no matter how loud or snotty they are and no matter how little sleep I get…it’s just all part of the process. After discussing my dilemma with some friends that have kids and some that don’t, and after much deliberation and tearful nights, I knew that I had made the right decision to let go of my perfect man. He also had a very difficult time with this decision, because we both had fallen hard for one another, and yet he didn’t want to be selfish and continue to date me when our long-term goals didn’t match. I kept hoping deep down that he would change his mind, but I’ve learned the hard way time and time again that men don’t change that easily. Women are far more adaptable than men, IMHO…perhaps that’s why women live longer?? In my experience, we are usually the ones that compromise and make changes in the name of saving a relationship.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
A married couple that I deeply respect and are my #couplegoals reminded me of the 80/20 relationship rule when I called them for advice. In a healthy relationship that stands a chance of lasting, a man should have 80% of what you’re looking for in a partner (and visa versa), but if the 20% he doesn’t have is a deal-breaker, like not wanting children when you do, then the relationship is doomed to fail. It doesn’t matter that he’s perfect in every other way. That 20% that you’re missing will continue to eat away at you and the relationship and will leave you bitter and resentful, two traits that are only useful if you want to live a tortured existence and become the next Edgar Allan Poe or Kurt Cobain.
After much arguing with myself, I finally came to accept the fact that my perfect man actually wasn’t the perfect man for me.
The one thing we didn’t agree upon was kind of a big deal, and so, he will forever remain Mr. Holy Grail, a man that I loved but will never have in my life.
However, ending things was easier said than done. After deciding that this relationship couldn’t move forward, we still continued talking every day…and then we stopped…and then we picked up again. All the while my feelings for him grew stronger, and if I were to guess, it was the same for him too. He told me several times that he was surprised at how fast and how strong his feelings for me had developed in such a short period of time, and I echoed that same surprise. I usually don’t let myself fall for someone so easily, but with him, it was different. Everything was different, and good different at that. However, after riding this roller coaster of emotions for a month after ending things, my heart just couldn’t do it anymore. I wanted to be with him but knew it wouldn’t work out, and I was having a hard time letting go. IDK why I have such a hard time letting people go…maybe I should explore that in another blog post or as an extension to my post about The Hard Love Lesson I Learned in My Thirties.
In this case, I think we were both hoping that this one big issue would just go away and that everything would magically work itself out, but this wasn’t a rom-com. It was real life, and unfortunately, the girl doesn’t always get the guy.
I don’t have an addictive personality, but letting go of him was one of my hardest goodbyes to date. And so, we had to stop talking cold turkey, for a second time…the first time was his idea, and the second time was mine. I sincerely hope I didn’t hurt him with that final goodbye after selfishly holding onto what would never be, but I could no longer continue playing games with my own heart (cue *NSYNC) by carrying on in that way. So, Mr. Holy Grail, if you still read my blog, just know that even now I miss the crap outta you, and I’ll be jealous of the lucky (doesn’t want any kiddos) lady that snags you some day! 😉
About the author:
My name is Kristin Kee, a.k.a. Kiki, and I’m a 36 year old Texan and former Spanish teacher turned full-time travel & self discovery blogger! I was first bitten by the travel bug when I was 7 years old on a family trip to San Francisco, and from that moment forward, I fell in love with the unknown world around me! So, it could be argued that for me, it’s not a case of wanderlust but rather wanderlove. Join me on my journey of self and world exploration, and perhaps you too will take your wanderlust to the next level and fall in wanderlove!